Getting Started: How to Deal with Homework Inertia and Avoidance (Pt. 2)
Staring down that wicked "wall of awful"...
The wall of awful—it sucks.
How do kids tend to deal with the “wall of awful”?
In part 1 of this series, I introduced the concept (introduced to me by the lovely “brains” at How to ADHD) of the “Wall of Awful.”
As I described it yesterday, it becomes “a steadily-accumulating sense of doom that tends to self-perpetuate and self-fulfill.” I also told you that there are several ways of dealing with the wall of awful, and not all of them are particularly healthy, even if they work.
Let’s get into that next.
“Tear…down…this…wall…!”
The first way that kids may approach the wall is more or less effective, but it’s pretty unhealthy. How to ADHD calls it the “Hulk Smash” approach.
“Hulk smashers” deal with the fear, anxiety, shame, and doubt caused by “the wall” by channeling those feelings into anger. One kid may direct her rage outward at teachers, siblings, or parents, slamming doors and yelling about how she'd do her homework if everyone would just LEAVE HER ALONE.
Another kid may turn that rage inward. While finally sitting down to do her work, she ruminates, using a twisted sense of motivation as an excuse to chastise herself: ”Why am I so bad at writing essays? Why can't I just do it? I'm in high school! I'll never be a good student if I don’t stop slacking!" These subconscious strategies may get students past the wall of awful, but they can damage relationships, both with themselves and others (hello, parents, nodding their heads in recognition).
These strategies are also just poor coping mechanisms, no matter what problem they’re directed toward. Even if they “get the job done” short-term, the long-term effects are 99% negative.
As I mentioned last time, it is our jobs as parents and educators to pay attention to the strategies that our kids and students are adopting as they attempt to cope with the stresses of high school.
Though it may be tempting to simply fist-pump in sheer glee when they finally get that essay done that’s been late for two weeks, it’s worth taking a second glance to see exactly what strategies they may have employed to do it.
I have found when working with my tutoring clients that many of them have learned to be intensely self-critical—even cruel to themselves—as a method of literally bullying themselves into compliance, of emotionally beating themselves into submission until the job gets done.
It’s time for us, as adults, to look at the ways in which we may be subtly encouraging these behaviors and to stop. Compassion, creativity, and collaborative problem-solving are always going to be better, more effective ways to break through an avoidant block than cruel self-criticism.
Be open with your kids about the ways in which all of us sometimes fall short. Deadlines catch up with us faster than we’d expect sometimes. We get distracted by other things that we’d very understandably rather be doing than sitting down and writing an essay. Sometimes, we just straight-up forget.
In those moments, as frustrated or worried as you may feel, always default to compassion. Trust me, a student who feels like she can trust her parents and tell them when she's stuck is 1000 times more likely to get her work done, and to do it in a way that won’t break her down emotionally and/or cause ever-deepening fractures in your relationship with her.
Bring compassion to the table. Teach your kids to be compassionate to themselves.
What are some more effective ways to break down the wall, then?
The good news is that there definitely ARE more effective ways. Yes, we’re going to keep extending this metaphor, because it’s a good one—your student needs to either:
(1) climb the Wall of Awful; or
(2) put a door in it!
Tune in tomorrow to find out how.
For now, if you’d like to work with me for more help, please feel free to check out my website or schedule a free 15-minute consultation. Either way, please like, comment, and share so I can keep bringing you this content! Thanks for reading.